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its that time again, you know, the
holiday season, and millions of shoppers are soon going to be crowding the
malls around the country side. Yippee. I, unfortunately, work
in the retail arts and I've had it. You fucking customers are
killing me slowly with your moronic stupidity and general lack common courtesy.
Some day I'm going to cut off a customer in mid sentence and say
"Sir/Lady, I would rather stick my dick in broken glass and then immediately
incinerate it with napalm than hear what you have to say." Customers
have a Magic 8 Ball of Stupid Fucking Questions that they shake up before
they walk in a store. Old people need to stop shopping and just go
dig a hole in the ground and wait to die. You withered old pieces of
shit, why can't you handle the slightest bit of technology? You
complain because you don't know how to use your computer, you complain
because you don't know how to use your cell phone, and you complain because
you don't know how to use those "new fancy clickers."
First of all, its called a REMOTE CONTROL, clickers are what I call your
dentures when I blast them out of your skull with a round house
kick. You enjoy complaining because it gives your existence some
kind of worth. Well, let me be the first to tell you I don't
care. If you cant use the computer, eat the mother fucker and choke
on it. And god forbid I go ahead and answer the simplest of
questions because it just ends up in a free for all tech support
festival! I go from telling a lady that she needs a USB cable to
fielding questions about blue screen errors she gets when she tries to
load up her digital slide show pictures of her new grandson.
"Well Mrs. Johnson, oh, wait, its Ms. Johnson, you're a widow
huh? Well looks like your husband took the easy way out! Well,
Ms. Johnson, your problem is the pictures wont come up because your
grandson is a peter-puffing queer. In fact, he probably learned it
from watching your slut daughter taking it up the ass when she was turning
tricks. I know, I'm a regular." Fuck
old people and their intimidation of technology. They walk too slow
and talk to slow. Listening to an old person talk is like dentistry
with out Novocain. Spit it out gramps, and while you're at it, take
that "#1 Grandpa" hat off. When I get old I'm going to
walk into a store and ask the associate on duty if it hurts my computer
when I stick my dick in the CD Rom drive. I'm going to be one cool
old man. Customers control
your children. If you would have keep that gaping canyon of a hole
you call a pussy shut, you would not be in that position in the first
place. But since you do have a litter of bastard shit bags teach
them manners or I will have to. I know you must have had a rough day
sitting around the house collecting government aid and eating you weight
in chocolate but don't spread the misery of your shitty life on me.
Customers just let the little fucks run around beating on shit, breaking
shit...what the fuck is wrong with you? When they end up going to
jail don't wonder what you did wrong because if they act like that in a
public setting id hate to see what happens in the privacy of your
home. Your ass is big because you have had too many kids. Your
hair is gray because you don't know how to discipline
them. Sell them on the black market to cannibals that
like "child veal" for all I care, but don't fucking bring
them into my store. And keep them off the escalators. Just
don't be stupid this holiday season. Help us all out and just be
normal. Some of you might say that I'm just pissed off at my lot in
life and I hate my job. You guys see this is just a way of me being
pissed because my life sucks. You're right, however you can still go
fuck yourself. |
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Roy Uwe Ludwig Horn, of
the gay duo of Siegfried and Roy, learned a hard lesson about a week ago
when the third member of their group, Montecore, mauled him. The
whole story about what exactly happened isn't clear because the tape of
the squabble has not been released yet but from what I gather this is a
blow-by-blow account of the festivities. The tiger comes out and
allegedly a lady with big hair in the front row spooked poor Montecore.
Some people in the audience say that she touched the tiger, or moved
quickly, or maybe she had a ham in her dress, who knows. Montecore
gets pissed and lunges at Roy taking a hold of his arm. Roy counters
with vicious strikes to Montecore's delicate skull with a pick-axe...not
really, I made that part up, actually he hit him with the microphone a
couple of times trying to get him to let go. Contrary to what you
would think happens when you hit a tiger in the face with a microphone,
the tiger got even more agitated! Who'd have thunk it? Roy and
the tiger go down on the ground and the other trainers come to Roy's
rescue. Montecore, knowing the fight isn't fair anymore cause Roy
had to call on his homies to win, goes right for his throat and drags him
across the stage severely wounding Roy. Siegfried speculates that
the gentle tiger was trying to protect Roy from the trainers when they
came out. Montecore felt that the trainers were coming after Roy and
so he drags him away to safety...by sinking his razor sharp teeth into
Roy's throat. Wow. That's some bullshit. I'm no animal expert
but I'd like to speculate what really happened. Yes, the fat bitch
with the 80’s style haircut probably spooked the tiger and when
Montecore jumps on Roy it probably was an accident. My theory
differs in the next set of events. I think that when Roy starts
hitting the tiger with the microphone this gets Montecore to thinking
"This mother fucker doesn't have his whip anymore and he has been
beating my ass for 7 years with that fucking thing. What is this
microphone supposed to do to me? Not only that, but this guy hits
like a girl. What, is this guy, gay? My ass has been whipped
and trained and a fudge packer has dulled my internal instincts?
This is too much for my tiger brain to handle, I must now eat him."
Then when the trainers come out he is just instinctually trying to protect
his gay treat. Whatever happened, Roy now knows that whips hurt
tigers and microphones do not. Montecore wins by knockout.
Wild pseudo domesticated animals score a point.
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What's funnier than a 77 year old
man getting shoved on the ground on national TV? Nothing. What an
idiot. At least he has heart though. The events leading up to
this have me wondering why no one else on the Yankees went after
Pedro? He's the one who started the whole mess. The whole team
should have bum rushed Pedro, but no, just lonely old Ziimmer. Well
kudos to you Zimmer! You entertained me more in 45 seconds than the
whole season of baseball has. Now all the NY fans are screaming for
blood, wanting Pedro head on a stake. My thoughts are that Zimmer
was lucky to get off that light! I'd have waited on his old ass to
waddle over to me with his both his broken knees and cracked his skull
with a right hook. Fuck this pushing him to the ground shit. I
tell you, if a 5 year old child comes charging me like that, he (or she
I'm not sexist) will get the knuckle sandwich of a lifetime. This
rule only actually only applies to people shorter and weaker than
me. Actually, that might rule out some 5 year olds I know, but I
digress. After Pedro tosses him to the ground why didn't he capitalize
on his advantage? Maybe with a couple of kicks to the ribs and elbow
to the head and then a frog splash off the top rope. That would
teach him. Sit back and just look at that picture for a second, now
try not to laugh. Old people are funny. I remember one time my
grandmother bent over to pick something up off of the ground and farted by
accident. It's one of the few funny moments I remember from my
childhood. Old people farting by accident has nothing on old people
getting thrashed by professional athletes though. The next day in
front of the press Zimmer is crying a river because he is so embarrassed.
I bet he wouldn't be crying at all if the fight would have went the other
way. Next time bring a bat Zimmer, there's a whole dugout full of
them. If you cant find a bat, bring a teammate that can fight.
After you destroy Pedro's pitching arm with your Louisville Slugger,
urinate on his face. That kind of statement says
"class." Winner by TKO-Pedro.
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