Hung Over Harry's

In case some of you out there didn't know, and probably don't care, I live in the great state of Texas. This is a list of things are are really cool about Texas and things that just really fucking suck...in case anyone feels like moving here. So, lets cut the crap and get to it.

Things I like

1. A lot of people get killed in Texas and that is awesome! We have the death penalty here and we are sure as hell not afraid to use it. I think that we have even sent retarded people to the electric chair a few times...that's progress. Sometimes you just have to set an example for the retarded community that says "We are not going to take you drooling and stumbling around anymore." Welcome to McDonalds indeed! Here we also have very lenient gun laws that allow the stupidest people on earth to own as many guns as they can financially afford. I'm honestly surprised that there aren't shoot outs here like at the OK Corral. Maybe I can start a trend. Let me set you guys straight, people just don't walk around shooting people all day because we have a law that lets you carry a gun where ever the hell you want to, not only carry it but the law states that you HAVE to have it hidden! KICK ASS! Even Kennedy got killed here! That's a presidential celebrity extra point kill! I love guns and people getting shot and stuff.

2. Its hot here. Now at first glance you are probably thinking that I've gone off my rocker but hear me out. More heat = less clothes. Even during winter girls walk around with shorts and skirts, then when summer hits, back up baby! Half naked, hot as hell Texas girls roaming the streets drunk and looking for a good time and I'm here to help them out. I do what I can for my community. Plus I just down right hate the cold, it makes my nipples hurt.

3. We have a beach and at beaches girls get drunk and walk around with less clothes than normal and therefore it is easier to get into their panties...but they don't even have panties on! GENIUS! Big boobs bobbling out all over the place. Cases of beer in the back seat. A whole Gulf of Mexico to have intercourse in and right after that take an "after sex" pee without ever having to move. What more could an individual ask for?

4. We are right next to Louisiana. Our next door neighbor is the birthplace of alcohol and partying and when we get finished trashing their state we just come home.

5. Texas has a high amount of slut activity. Girls in Texas like to bang. I wouldn't know really cause I cant get laid but my friends tell me all about it. I take their word for it. In addition to this Texas has a great white trash girl population. I like skanky women and when you get them pregnant they have a terrible time pinning down the daddy. Its like the lottery. You don't ever have to worry about the dad tracking you down and killing you because he's probably a candidate for the father too!

6. Football....thats it, just lots of football here...

Things I Dislike

1. Its too fucking humid here. It is impossible to be comfortable in humid weather because the air sticks to your skin like a light coat of cooking oil. Humidity makes you feel dirty too. You can take a shower, get dry, jump out of the shower, walk outside and instantly feel sweaty and dirty all over again.

2. Texas has its fair amount of stupid stereotypes. I'd like to clear some things up right now.

A. I do not ride a horse to work

B. I do not say, nor have I ever said "Yehaw" on any occasion for any reason.

C. I do not wear chaps or a cowboy hat unless my current girlfriend wishes so, but, only if she dresses like a Midwestern old time prostitute. Those are the rules, I don't make them.

D. I have all my teeth.

E. I do not sleep with my sister. I do not have a sister but if I did, I still wouldn't sleep with her. In fact I have never slept with any relative before nor would I ever. Unless she was really really hot. It also goes without saying that my father isn't also my uncle.

F. I do not own oil wells...I wish I did.

I hope that clears things up for everyone out there.

3. There are way too many rednecks here. I know I just went through a whole list of stupid things that people think about Texans but I have to admit that stereotypes do not get started for no reason at all. Rednecks are the people who go out and do all the things that I just listed. Stupid ass, drunk fuckers who think that God created the earth while riding a horse.

November 15

Invention Time!

I really don't know how I do it sometimes....maybe its a gift. I was sitting around a couple of days ago eating my favorite cookie, Oreos, and was having quite a good time. Dunking the little guys in milk, getting them good and soggy, and then enjoying every creamy filled bite. I said to myself, Harry, what could possibly make this moment better? What do I love more than Oreo cookies? Well, pussy. That's when it hit me. Why cant I combine the two things i love most in life together in one super duper snack treat. Introducing pussy flavored Oreos! If you cram enough pussy flavored Oreos in a cup of milk, soon enough you'll have a creamy consistency that you could stick your dick into. You wouldn't even have to get up, once you fill yourself on them you just start dropping them in the glass and go to town. I haven't worked out the kinks yet but look for them in a supermarket near you very soon.

Benny Fucking Hinn

LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! Either Hinn is the right hand man of Satan or actually Satan himself. He doesn't even try to hide his greed and corruption. I was watching the religious channel the other day and he flat out said "God will be there for you when you give your last dime." What a fucker. Somewhere there is a grandmother giving all her social security check to this piece of shit, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking stale warm tap water so that Benny Hinn can go about doing "God's work." By "God's work" he must mean giving false prophecies, being a first rate liar, doing false healings, and being chauffeured around in his expensive cars with his expensive suits and most likely fucking expensive prostitutes. Someone track this cunt down and take a shit on his face please. People crowd up in arenas around the world hoping for the chance to be healed by this asshole. He gets people worked up with his mind washing rhetoric and fills them with a fake presence of the Lord. Then, he gets his henchmen to fake illness and injury only to be magically healed. What a crock of shit. Benny Hinn couldn't heal a pimple on my ass. They are going to have to invent a new circle of hell for him. I hope you like lava enemas and having your eyeballs forever plucked at by evil dead birds because that's what you have to look forward to when you die and go straight to hell. Satan has been waiting on your sweet ass for a long time good sir. I don't know how this guy gets through a day without someone whooping his ass. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he really is a faith healer. Maybe elephants will fly out of the head of my dick.

I Love Paris Hilton Because She's a Dirty Little Slut

Class. Its defined in so many ways. Making a sex tape. Class. Answering your cell phone during the middle of this sex tape. Class. Positioning yourself a million times during the sex tape so you can be in the shot. Class. Telling everyone that you were taken advantage of on this sex tape because you're embarrassed. Class. You should be embarrassed dear because you suck in bed not because you video taped it. I don't think that you realize what you've done to men around the world. Look, we all know you're a conceited whore but at least in our minds when we jack off we pretended you're a super fuck. You took that away from us forever. Then, when the tape surfaces, she starts screaming and whining that she was drunk and taken advantage of. Bitch please, you had your mouth all over that cock like it was a cream sickle from mama Hilton's freezer. If I was banging you, well, you would have been taken advantage of because I would have hit you in the head with the empty bottle of champagne that you just downed for being a shitty fuck. I know you're ashamed, and I know a lot of people will judge you for your prostitute-like qualities but I forgive you Paris. I know you don't mean to be a slut, and a less-than-par slut at that, you're just bored. And, I, against my better judgment, am still willing to have intercourse with you. Somehow I will be able to summon the courage to unload my man chowder on your face. I'm only willing to do this because I'm a fair and loving man. Suck it up Paris, or walk it off, or break a leg, I don't really know which applies in this case but I'm certain that you wont be able to wash away the skank aura that now surrounds you (mildly turning me on more). And when all your friends leave you and you're doing sex shows for a baggy of heroin with one end of a double headed dildo in your ass and the other end of it in some other random two-bit whore, while nasty old men are screaming "Ass to ass," just remember who stood by you. Hung Over Harry, that's who.